Do You Need to Know EVERYTHING Before You Go Beyond Casual?
Do you need to know everything about your lover before you commit? Does he need to know about your past boyfriends? Does she need to know your bank account details or whether or not you’ve read 50 Shades of Gray?
There’s a difference between being interested and being just plain obsessively nosy.
I was at an old friend’s house last week, and we were reminiscing about some ‘cheeky’ things that we got up to when we were in college. Her husband walked in and she clammed up and immediately changed the subject. When I questioned her later, she told me that she had never discussed anything about her past (and it’s not that sordid, trust me!) with her husband. She only ever discussed what was happening in their lives from the minute they first met.
Is that going too far? Or is that reasonable? Does he have a right to know about her past, or should he be happy if she talks about everything in the now and in the future, but not her past?
It’s only a problem if he sees it as a problem. Some couples might have issues if one doesn’t want to talk about their past relationships, as the question raised would be, “What have you got to hide?” The inevitable answer is going to be, “Nothing.”
In the case of past relationships, this is tricky ground. You don’t want to go around making out your ex is as evil as they come, (what would that say about you and the sort of person you are?) but if you go around extolling their virtues, you are opening up all sorts of relationship insecurities and comparisons.
The best advice is to be honest, neutral and able to change the subject as soon as possible. If the subject comes up, say something like, “Yes, he was a nice enough guy, but we weren’t suited like you and I are.”
Bank Accounts and Computer Passwords
How long before you should be allowed to see his bank account or know his computer password? The first question I would ask is, “Why do you need to know?”
If you are going to have joint finances, then it’s probably reasonable to know each other’s pin numbers and account passwords. It shows that you are planning to be in the relationship for a long time.
If you are just at the dating stage, there is no need to know passwords of any sort. Don’t give them out unless you are committed to a long term relationship and if you two break-up, change your passwords immediately. Amicable can turn nasty quickly and easily.
Any personal information such as favorite foods, friends, family, birthdays or shoe size, should come out in normal communication when you begin dating. However,neither of you should ever feel like you have to interrogate the other person to find out their favorite superhero, and neither of you should feel like you’re being interrogated.
If things aren’t flowing naturally and normally while you are dating, then there is only a slight chance that they will become better when you commit on a deeper level.
No, you do not have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to.
But if you are an open and honest person who tells a stranger on the street what you had for breakfast, then a closed introvert may not be the best fit for you. Find someone who is happy to talk about themselves as much or as little as you do. That then makes for a happier relationship than if you weren’t on the same page about sharing.
What are your thoughts? Should you know everything about him or not?