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Saucy (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)
I came into writing to give my opinion on the huge social issues that matter to me; that matter to you.
Inequality, housing, discrimination, poverty… I’ve written about them all.
And now, to add to my canon of zeitgeist work, I’d like to write about sex.
More specifically, how your favourite sex position reveals the inner you. (A: My parents would be so proud and, B: You might want to close the curtains, kids – because some really reveal the inner you.)
So are you ready for the really deep stuff? Yes? Then lie back and think of your therapist. ‘Cos you really need one, you dreadful deviant, you. (Call me.)
Ah, apparently connected to missionaries (who sadly had v poor WiFi and therefore no access to more adventurous porn).
The ‘woman on her back/man lying on top of her*’ favourite is big with romantics (lots of eye/skin contact is possible), those wishing to get pregnant (the missionaries saw this trad technique as the ‘acceptable’ way to get knocked up), women with bad backs (lovely lie down), and men called Christian. #Preach
*Men/men, women/women will of course enjoy variations on all the themes
You/your gal bent over, crouched on all fours, or flat on the tum, ready to be rearly entered (ha!) gets you panting?
Then you love animalistic sex; love being in control (if you’re the boy); love being controlled (if you’re the girl); love being a little ruff. And love having great access to the G (Oh God) Spot. Woof woof!
(FYI doggie position of course doesn’t mean making the sweet love to Fido. Unless of course Fido is your exotic olive-skinned pool cleaner. In which case, go, go make chums.)
You adore the 69? Then you’re Piscean. (Only Russell Grant will get that. And your mum.)
The soixante-neuf (hello/bonjour foreign readers) is that delicious position where you and your partner swivel around so you’re facing each other’s nethers – which means you can perform simultaneous oral sex. At. The. Same. Time.
You’re a fan of the 69? Then you believe it is about the giving and receiving, you’re v clever at concentrating when you want to let the f*** go, and you’re really into time-management.
You want to sit on his/her face and tell him/her that you love him/her? He/her won’t hear you – but go for it: you totally deserve a good sit-down.
The sitter gets off on taking control; the sittee on submissively being used as a tongue doormat.
The FS fan very much enjoys adding some grind to daily life. And believes breathing is over-rated.
The man flat on his back. The woman, facing away from him, lowering herself onto his winky and riding him off into the sunset. Or something.
This position does say so much about the RC (arsey?) aficionado.
He’s too hard-working, is exhausted, and needs a good rest. And her? She knows how much he wants to see her face and body as they f**** But she isn’t letting him. Ergo, she hates men. Yee-her!
The woman flat on her back. The man, facing away from her, lowering himself onto her strap-on and riding himself off into the sunset. Or something.
They’re both definitely RC (arsey) aficionados.
He’s open (stop), confident in his sexuality, but still needs to be in control.
Her? She’s naughty, adventurous, and not a little thrusting in life. Yee-ow!
You like to f*** anywhere but the bedroom? In public (you’re a show-off, you show-off); in the kitchen (you give not a damn about food hygiene); in your car (you have great crutch-control); in church (Jesus); and in the supermarket (‘get off the bagging area!’).
And if you love to do it in the shower? You’re a poor uptight Catholic who has to be clean while being dirty. And your favourite singer is Loofah Vandross.
I’m so alone.
Oh how lovely. Bodies spooned into each other. Soft butt curved into soft (!) crotch. All cuddly and snuggly and safe and warm.
You’re loving and affectionate if you crave the spoony fork. Mmmm.
(And, of course, it’s the ‘less pushy’ position to go for some anal. So the Male Spooner is also a manipulative s***.)
Well obviously this is up there (oh) in the sub/dom positions: we’re talking trust, pain and taboo – the holy Trinity of unholy sex.
If you’re up for the craic, you could be bold, you could be uninhibited, you could be more than a little cheeky.
The bottom line, with anal and all positions, is if you dabble in any of these, you are an awful, awful pervert. Because sex is disgusting. May God forgive you.